The end of the week, and Good Friday. Easter on Sunday. I know it sounds hopeless but I almost forgot it was Good Friday altogether. Is that sad? Wrong? I don't even know...
Sometimes I think about starting a blog where noone knows it's me. I have a lot to say today, but worry about other people's feelings. I know I shouldn't (or should I?) but the fact is I do. However, being able to just unload everything would be magical. I guess I'm going to have to break out the good old-fashioned, hand-tooled leather with homemade papyrus journal and let loose. I like writing there better anyhow, but know I need to contribute here as well.
What a difference a week makes. Last Friday I was throwing discs at Banklick Park (Lincoln Ridge) down by my work with E and his buddy from work. The sun was shining, I was throwing pretty decent, it was warm and my heart was just as warm. The whole weekend was nice like that, with an ending on Sunday throwing at Mt. Airy Forest and buying a new disc at Nati Disc Golf. My mid-range Wolf was doing amazing things for me, sticking in the chains at 87 ft. I was pretty high on it all.
Work was a bit crazy this week sorting out the mess from the newest acquisition my company has embarked on, but work is not a huge stress for me. I thrive in my responsibilities and am lucky enough to enjoy the multi-tasking craziness immensely. I love the challenge, it's perfect for me.
This current Friday, however, finds me filled with anxiety and worry. I've shed some tears. I am an emotional soul and find it difficult to compartmentalize feelings and not be overwhelmed. It is like a wave washing over me, a tsunami which cannot be contained or controlled. Once I bring myself back up to level there is a nagging that stays with me. Threatening to hijack my emotions and hold me hostage. It sucks. I try to find the joy that is always there and grab hold of it and hang on, but this joy can elude me. Don its invisibility cloak and circle me, taunting. It sounds rather juvenile but it's quite true. The whole thing. Maybe by tomorrow I will feel better. Maybe in my sleep the fears and worries will slip away to cloak someone else's soul for awhile. Or just dissipate with the mist in general. All I know is even though I have battled these times since I was young, they are still just as sneaky, horrifying, debilitating, and elusive as ever. Why must the darkness be so much more dense than the light? So much more difficult to wade through. To shake off. I imagine a magical place, time, or pill that can change who I am inside. That can subdue my chemical make-up. Not gonna happen, I know. So I will trudge on through the muck, praying the next step will bring me to higher, brighter, firmer ground. Because that is exactly what will happen. One moment later it will be over and I will feel fine, as if nothing ever happened. I never know when this moment will happen, of course. My brain is not that kind to me. So I wait, and pray...or something akin to praying. Beg even sometimes, as silly as that sounds. Maybe it will be in an hour, maybe it will be in the morning, maybe it will be Tuesday or next Friday or next month (man, I hope it's sooner than that). I know not when, but I know it will happen and I hang on to that.
I guess what I should do now is try to make some plan for the weekend which does not involve worrying. If that is possible. Just thinking about making a plan that involves no worries or anxiety is making me worry. Go figure. Genetics be damned, I will have a moment of something this weekend. Genetics be damned.
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