Out Of the Mouths Of Babes

So it was 'Our Weekend' with H this weekend. Typically Our Weekend with H is time from when E picks him up after work on Friday until 6 pm on Sunday when his mother picks him up. Every other weekend, and Wednesday evenings. So it is Our Weekend, but Easter is his mother's holiday this year meaning she could pick him up at 6pm last evening and have him Easter Sunday morning, etc. This arrangement is according to his mother's 'Rules' which she has printed out and presented to E. This arrangement is in no way court ordered, it is just her desire which she has imposed on us and since we haven't had the chance to pursue making this court ordered, or not, we are stuck with it. So yes, we realize this is what it is, and a million families are dealing with the same situation. The story lies in how H feels about it. And how his mother leaves him no room to feel anything about it.

Yesterday was Saturday and when H found out his mother was picking him up he did not want to go. For about the past year or so we have been dealing with this. On Sunday and Wednesday evenings H wants to know "Why" he must go. He wants to know "why he can't spend the night". We explain about having to spend time with his mother also, about how we are sad when he leaves, but his mother will be sad if he doesn't, and how we will see him soon. H lives just a few blocks away from us. We can walk to him in about 5 minutes. But he is not allowed to come here or see us unless it is "Our Day". H could theoretically say on any given day which house he would like to be hanging out at, but this is not permitted. He is 7 yrs old. He is starting to want what he wants and express feelings, emotions, and desires about the path his own life takes. However, just blocks away, his days are mapped out for him and he gets no say. This is not just in regard to being able to spend time with us. According to H, this is also in regard to other things. Like having to spend time with another child in his neighborhood he really does not care for and is mean to him, but "My mommy says I need to deal with it and it will be okay." His mother is friends with this child's mother and wants to spend time with her regardless of what is going on in another room between the two boys.

Yesterday when getting ready for the 6pm pick-up from his mother H blurted out, probably for the 10th time in the past year: "I wish my mommy could just live here with us so I didn't have to leave and I could see both of you all the time, because I know if I don't go my mommy will be sad." When he ruminates on how it 'could be' if he could come over more often he is always plagued with his mother's feeling on that. I have heard him say "she needs me, she will miss me, she will be sad, I make her happy, my mommy will cry". He loves his mother, of course and so sweetly--however, what an emotional load for a child to carry! He did not get these ideas and worries from no where. I do not believe he worries about us that way. I don't want him to worry about any of the adults that way. That is not his responsibility. So he did not want to leave, but he felt a great responsibility to do so. It breaks my heart to see him struggle with such emotion at such a young age, especially when we live just blocks apart from each other.

Now, as a whole we have a blended family. I have 2 children with my ex-husband and E has H with his ex and they were never married. E & I do not have a child together. There are major differences between our two families separately and together. H has never seen his parents married and together, he was a baby when they split up. He has always lived this life of going back and forth. His desire and wish that we could all live together and make it work is an indication of the deep thread of 'family' in our genetic make-up. His mother is married to a man she has no children with and he has an older brother at his mother's who has a different father which he visits just as H visits with us. My children have seen me married to their father and have seen us live together and care for each other. They have also seen it become a struggle and fall apart between their father and I, yet we never set the children's feelings aside for our own sake. My children's father lives just blocks away from us in the other direction and while we have days set up that are 'mine and his' the childrent essentially get to choose which house they want to be at and when. The arrangement is not set in stone by any means. If they want to get off the bus at his house they do. If they want to spend the night with him or me no matter what day of the week it is, they do. Their father and I do not maintain animosity toward each other. We are the kids' parents, and that is the only role we have regarding each other anymore. We do consider each other friends. We communicate almost daily about the children, and the children are our primary focus. We do not want them to feel they have to choose between us, so they do not. What they want is what they get when it comes to their parents, unless there is a damn good reason why it cannot be so. So the children, all three of them, are used to completely different scenarios between their parents. For H to not understand why he cannot see his father whenever he wants is not wrong. Because honestly, he should be able to. We're right down the street!

I am a mother and a stepmother. There is minimal difference between the two. When any of the three children are hurting, I hurt. When any of the three children have desires I want to help them reach those desires. When any of the three children have worries I want to reassure them and make them go away.

H's mother has her own wishes and desires which she imposes upon her son and the rest of her son's family. That is the way she is, and with it breaking my heart we see the way I am. I know how she feels is very important to her, and I honestly do not mean her any disrespect as H's mother, but I do whole-heartedly wish she would consider her youngest son a little more. I came into H's life when he was 2 yrs old. He did not have the knowledge and problem-solving skills at that time to make decisions for himself. But he is not a baby any longer but a first-grader, and a very bright one at that. He no longer lives a few exits down the highway, but rather a few blocks down the street. We are in the same school boundaries. There is no reason to forcefully keep him from either home at any time. There is no reason to tell him he 'cannot' see his father and his stepfamily if he wants to. There is just no reason anymore.

So this Sunday afternoon, that is what is on my mind. H is on my mind. His desire to stay last night, and each Wednesday and Sunday night for the past 2 months consistently even though he started mentioning these things sporadically about a year ago. I, of course, have my own desire to see him and have him here at his other home, but I understand the situation and am a big girl and can deal with it. But to hear him ask, wonder, and worry over it for his part. For his wants, for his life, makes me think of him and feel bad for him. He feels he has tough choices when he should never feel that way regarding his parents. He feels he cannot see his parents when he wants to, and he should never have to feel that way. He is an amazing young man and I hope he develops a way to work this out within himself. I have told him repeatedly he can talk to his mom about how he feels, but he is afraid to. He is afraid to "make her sad". THAT is what is sad. No child should ever feel it is not safe to talk to their parents about their feelings.

Luckily we get to take him to my in-laws for Easter dinner this evening. We will get to see him again for a few hours. We had to ask permission, of course, but it was granted and we are grateful. I hope he had a good night last night and got to feeling better once he was home at his mother's. His grandpa is in town and was the one to pick him up and I hope that helped. I hate to know he worries and is sad. So I hope things get to feeling better for him real soon. I hope that one day soon he will not be worried to discuss things with his mom. Then again, for all I know he could have already and she told him "this is how it is, and you have to deal with it" like he says she has told him about other things. I just don't know.

Blended families are hard on everyone. We must remember the children are the star players in this senario and the most important aspect to focus on. If the parents choose not to care for each other that is fine, but they also chose to have a child together and that child is the only thing that matters. A child's feelings, wishes, and desires should be asked for and considered regarding any decision made around the child's life. Yes, children cannot always get what they want, and I am not saying they should, but the relationship between a child and their parent is indestructable and deeper than any other connection in the history of life-children should never be "kept" from a parent. Physically or emotionally.

Genetics Be Damned

The end of the week, and Good Friday. Easter on Sunday. I know it sounds hopeless but I almost forgot it was Good Friday altogether. Is that sad? Wrong? I don't even know...

Sometimes I think about starting a blog where noone knows it's me. I have a lot to say today, but worry about other people's feelings. I know I shouldn't (or should I?) but the fact is I do. However, being able to just unload everything would be magical. I guess I'm going to have to break out the good old-fashioned, hand-tooled leather with homemade papyrus journal and let loose. I like writing there better anyhow, but know I need to contribute here as well.

What a difference a week makes. Last Friday I was throwing discs at Banklick Park (Lincoln Ridge) down by my work with E and his buddy from work. The sun was shining, I was throwing pretty decent, it was warm and my heart was just as warm. The whole weekend was nice like that, with an ending on Sunday throwing at Mt. Airy Forest and buying a new disc at Nati Disc Golf. My mid-range Wolf was doing amazing things for me, sticking in the chains at 87 ft. I was pretty high on it all.

Work was a bit crazy this week sorting out the mess from the newest acquisition my company has embarked on, but work is not a huge stress for me. I thrive in my responsibilities and am lucky enough to enjoy the multi-tasking craziness immensely. I love the challenge, it's perfect for me.

This current Friday, however, finds me filled with anxiety and worry. I've shed some tears. I am an emotional soul and find it difficult to compartmentalize feelings and not be overwhelmed. It is like a wave washing over me, a tsunami which cannot be contained or controlled. Once I bring myself back up to level there is a nagging that stays with me. Threatening to hijack my emotions and hold me hostage. It sucks. I try to find the joy that is always there and grab hold of it and hang on, but this joy can elude me. Don its invisibility cloak and circle me, taunting. It sounds rather juvenile but it's quite true. The whole thing. Maybe by tomorrow I will feel better. Maybe in my sleep the fears and worries will slip away to cloak someone else's soul for awhile. Or just dissipate with the mist in general. All I know is even though I have battled these times since I was young, they are still just as sneaky, horrifying, debilitating, and elusive as ever. Why must the darkness be so much more dense than the light? So much more difficult to wade through. To shake off. I imagine a magical place, time, or pill that can change who I am inside. That can subdue my chemical make-up. Not gonna happen, I know. So I will trudge on through the muck, praying the next step will bring me to higher, brighter, firmer ground. Because that is exactly what will happen. One moment later it will be over and I will feel fine, as if nothing ever happened. I never know when this moment will happen, of course. My brain is not that kind to me. So I wait, and pray...or something akin to praying. Beg even sometimes, as silly as that sounds. Maybe it will be in an hour, maybe it will be in the morning, maybe it will be Tuesday or next Friday or next month (man, I hope it's sooner than that). I know not when, but I know it will happen and I hang on to that.

I guess what I should do now is try to make some plan for the weekend which does not involve worrying. If that is possible. Just thinking about making a plan that involves no worries or anxiety is making me worry. Go figure. Genetics be damned, I will have a moment of something this weekend. Genetics be damned.