Every day I have this constant monologue going in my head. I need to write! I need to write this all down!! And then I come home....and there is obligation after obligation. By the time I could possibly sit and write, it is the only time E and I have to spend some time together. And as hard as I try to 'commit' time to writing, it just never happens. This is actually one of the biggest frustrations in my daily life. It sucks. Of course, time I could spend writing I do trade for kayaking, frisbee golf, spending time with my gardens...all things that bring me as much joy as writing does, as much soothe to my old battered soul. Things I could also be writing about. I feel caught in a never ending circle. I must write more. I must get the important things down, the things I want to remember, reflect on, even forget. Dispelling the negative and casting it away from me is just as important.
Right now I actually feel anxious because I am writing this and not cleaning my house. And I want to clean my house because tomorrow the weather will be nicer and I want to spend it out of doors. Again, my vicious mind---holding me captive. I realize not many people really know me. They do not know the mind that spins, churns...absorbing information, upchucking emotion and anxiety at every turn. Opining on everything that crosses my path. My interests are many. My struggles are many. My fears. My loves. It all goes round and round.
And yet, I am super simple. I sometimes feel I am the last person on earth who actually treats people the way I want to be treated. I see the big picture. Everyone and everything--problem is I feel everyone and everything too. Sensory overload in a crowd for sure.
And now here is the 'mommy' interruption....writing be damned. I must get softball gear together and deliver it to the daughter at daddy's house. Maybe I can get back into this today....just maybe...
